This Is An Extremely Emotional Post

I wanted to write about my week on Cape Cod, how I swam with moon jellies and a harbor seal popped up a few feet away from me one afternoon. Instead I decided to do a stupid, self-destructive thing. I was worried about Toni. I wanted to see if they were okay. I looked up their Instagram.

"You ruined everything, you stupid bitch." I'm quoting a song, but that's how I feel about myself and how I've obliterated the sense of calm and perspective I'd managed to nest into in the last few weeks. All because I can't just stop caring. Toni seems to be doing fine. I know social media is an incomplete picture, but they seem to be doing well. More than well. Possibly dating someone. I maybe filling in gaps, that may not be the case, but it almost doesn't matter. What I see is that Toni didn't see me as worth so much as a goodbye. I wasn't worth a moment for the truth. I told them I didn't want to take anything from them, but I didn't anticipate that my giving would take so much from me. I want to believe they were telling the truth about everything they were going through, but I don't know. I don't know anything and I probably never will, but they know how hard it was for me to open up and trust them, and they know I did, and I feel like they didn't care. I feel like they never really gave a shit. Or I feel like the did until they saw me in person, and then after a few days of thinking it over, decided I was literally too much to handle.

Again, I don't know, and I probably never will, but this is where my brain leads me. I know that I could never just throw a person away like that so I can't help but try to figure out why a person would do this. Why a connection that seemed so amazing to me was apparently so disposable to someone else.

Since I saw Dear Evan Hansen two years ago, the day before my annual drive to the cape, I have enjoyed listening to the cast recording on my drive. I was already planning to write about this before I looked up Toni's Instagram like the self-destructive fool that I clearly am, but now it's even more on-point. Different parts of that show get me in different ways, but after Toni I wanted to write about how much I identify with this part:

Lyrics from "Words Fail"

...

I guess I thought I could be part of this I never had this kind of thing before I never had that perfect girl Who somehow could see the good part of me

...

Words fail, words fail There's nothing I can say Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had And it's right there, right there, right there In front of you And you want to believe it's true So you make it true And you think maybe everybody wants it And needs it, a little bit too This was just a sad invention It wasn't real, I know But we were happy I guess I couldn't let that go I guess I couldn't give that up I guess I wanted to believe 'Cause if I just believe Then I don't have to see what's really there No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am 'Cause then I don't have to look at it And no one gets to look at it No, no one can really see 'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake Before I even turn the key Before I make the mistake Before I lead with the worst of me I never let them see the worst of me 'Cause what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what's true? All I ever do is run So how do I step in Step into the sun? Step into the sun

I can't describe how amazing it feels to be seen and made to feel wanted when you feel so invisible and undesirable. To feel for a moment like somebody you really want could actually want you back. To lay awake at night imagining their smile and the way they kissed you instead of imagining it's possible so slice off parts of your body without bleeding to death (I know I'm not the only fat person who pictures this, but I fantasize about it daily).

I also can't describe how excruciating it is to discover that you were fooling yourself. Or they fooled you. Or to not be able to tell the difference. To be told by the last person that "someone is going to love you so much, it just isn't going to be me," and then to think for a hot minute that the next person just might be able to love you and then HAHA FUCKING NOPE, YOU LOSE AGAIN.

I am writing very emotionally right now to get this out of my head so yes, I know I am making it worse in my own mind and I know I'm not worthless and I know I have the love of my friends and that I have things to contribute but what sucks is that I have all those things and I am all those things and I was still so fucking easy to throw away. Literally in the middle of a conversation. I am not one to wallow in self pity but I am a puddle of formerly solid pieces that I just can't fasten together anymore. They falls apart faster than I can stitch them, and I am bleeding out. When this happens to your blood vessels, it's fatal. What about when it happens to your mind?

When I was going to write about Dear Evan Hansen, I was going to write about the end, and apply it to myself. "Dear Autumn Arthur, today is going to be a good day, and here's why. Because today at least you're you, and that's enough."

But I can't make myself feel that anymore. I don't feel like enough, and I also feel like way too much. Today I am me and I don't want to be. I hate not wanting to be me, because intellectually I know I'm a good person. Intellectually I can say Toni missed out on knowing someone incredible. I had a lot to offer and they were the first person I've offered it to in a long time. Now I don't know how I can ever offer it again.

"All I see is sky for forever." No I don't. I want to, but I don't.