Half-Life

Today's Triumph: I slept through the night. Most nights lately, I lay awake for hours with my brain stomping all over any potential peace I might have found on my pillow. Last night though, I slept so hard that my bed still looked like a bed when I woke up. Usually I toss around so much that by morning it looks less like a bed, and more like a flax linen pretzel.

That might be partially due to my thorough mental exhaustion by the time I got home last night, but I'll take the win anyway. Yesterday evening was hard. I really don't even know why. These days I am a wind chime. The slightest breeze knocks the pieces of me into each other, but the impact elicits tears rather than music. Then I get caught in loop in which I perpetually leak from the face. It's a great look.

I did manage to pull it together while actually rehearsing and delivered my lines without crying, but the rest of the time I tried to divert myself by playing Two Dots. It only partially worked, but that's not the fault of Two Dots. It's a fucking great game. Highly recommended.

I feel amorphous, both in life in and in body, as if I lack the structural integrity to retain any sort of shape. It's like trying to raise a tent with two poles, and every time I get one of them in place, the other collapses. When I try to fix it, the other falls too. Then I'm stuck suffocating under a stifling tent and I can't find the way out.

Warning: I am about to indulge in some undiluted emo girl AOL Instant Messenger away message angst. That's right; I'm gonna post song lyrics. Step into my time machine and emerge in 2002, in the middle of my recurrent theme song. It captures so many of my feelings regarding the loss of my parents, failed relationships, general malaise and even a dash of my global existential dread. That's right folks, my anxiety is tied to everything from the dead mouse I found behind my litterbox to the inevitable mass extinction events that climate change will bring forth. It all makes me feel utterly paralyzed.

Half-Life

Duncan Sheik

I'm awake in the afternoon I fell asleep in the living room And it's one of those moments When everything is so clear

Before the truth goes back into hiding I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend Tell me now, tell me how to make amends

Maybe, I need to see the daylight To leave behind the half-life Don't you see I'm breaking down?

Lately, something here don't feel right This is just a half-life Is there really no escape? No escape from time Of any kind

I keep trying to understand This thing and that thing, my fellow man I guess I'll let you know When I figure it out

But I don't mind a few mysteries They can stay that way it's fine by me And you are another mystery I am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Maybe, I need to see the daylight To leave behind the half-life Don't you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right This is just a half-life Is there really no escape? No escape from time Of any kind

Come on let's fall in love

Come on let's fall in love

Come on let's fall in love Again

Cause lately something here don't feel right This is just a half-life, Without you I am breaking down

Wake me, let me see the daylight Save me from this half-life Let's you and I escape Escape from time

Come on let's fall in love

Come on let's fall in love

Come on let's fall in love Again

#sleep #triumph #halflife #mentalhealth #anxiety