Sullen Girl

Today's Triumph: Getting out of bed. I fought that battle twice. The atmosphere just felt too heavy for me to push it up so I could get out, but I did. I went back to bed after I dropped the kids off, but did manage to force myself up again after an hour.

Last night at the end of rehearsal, I had a panic attack. It came on suddenly as soon as the final scene ended. I had avoided thinking about much of anything for most of the rehearsal so that I could get through it, and I must have subconsciously designated the end of the scene as a mile marker which, once passed, gave permission for the floodgates to open. As soon as I walked backstage, all of my emotions came at me like a wave and I was tumbled in its barrel. Thankfully, I am blessed with amazing friends, one of whom spotted my distress and took me for a walk to talk through it. I'm not ready to write about the primary trigger for that attack. It goes beyond body image and my usual anxieties, but it's what you might call a "developing story," and I'm not really able to comment on it.

All of the debris that gets kicked up in these mental vortexes is never quite settled before it begins to swirl again. The involuntary response of tears and panic has made me feel like a different person, and I fear that anybody who has met me in the last two years thinks I'm just dramatic and miserable all the time. I am not usually an unhappy person, and in many ways I am very blessed. I have the most incredible friends on the planet, a wonderful community of creative and compassionate people, and so much more for which I am immeasurably grateful. I am not ignorant or unappreciative of my riches. I am just currently in the grip of my losses, anxieties, and perceived failures. I don't know who this person is.

But hey, this person grew up in the 90s, so here are some lyrics from1996 that describe my current state of mind.

Sullen Girl

Fiona Apple

Days like this I don't know what to do with myself

All day and all night

I wander the halls along the walls

And under my breath I say to myself

I need fuel to take flight

And there's too much going on

But it's calm under the waves

In the blue of my oblivion

Under the waves

In the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl?

Sullen girl

They don't know how I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea...